British computer hacker Gary McKinnon will not be extradited to the US, Home Secretary Theresa May announced in the House of Commons today. Her decision was greeted by cat calls and expressions of disgust from the opposition benches.
Mr McKinnon admits accessing US government computers but claims he was looking for evidence of UFOs and has fought extradition since 2002. Mrs May told MPs there was no doubt that Mr McKinnon was "seriously ill" and the extradition warrant against him should be withdrawn in consideration of his human rights.
Tory members cheered at the announcement, no doubt surprised that Mrs May was displaying qualities of mercy which have been hitherto absent from a government of "arrogant posh boys" deemed to be out of touch with the ordinary citizen in the street. Labour MPs on the other hand were shocked at the decision and lined up to vent their frustration to journalists. The most prominent and vehement critic of the decision was Arthur Ramsbottom, MP for Yorkshire Pudding Central and deputy shadow home secretary.
"Eh, fook me. T'bloody Tory cow. 'Ow the 'ell can we be expected to function as t'opposition if she goes and does this? I'll fookin' kick me whippet all the way to t'pub after this. I'll give thee bloody nasty party in her pervy stillettos, she's fookin' trying to make them all cuddly when everyone knows those Tory public schoolboys and schoolgirls too love nowt more than dishing out a good spanking… and taking one as well."
No less vociferous in their appreciation were Tory MPs, particularly Lt. Col. Dominic de Sade, member for Old Fartington and the Backwoods, a key member of the hanging and shooting fraternity.
"Arf, what a good gal that May is. She certainly shot their fox, what? I mean, haha, we don't give a tinker's cuss about that McKinnon really, everyone knows that but we've got to think about the next election and keeping those frigging bleeding heart Lib Dems onside in their muesli sweaters and open toed sandals, what? Frightful unwashed lot, just had to show them we're not really the nasty party...well maybe just a little, what?"