A deal setting out terms for a Scottish independence referendum was signed today by Prime Minister David Cameron and First Minister Alex Salmond. The settlement followed months of hard negotiations in which Mr. Salmond was finally forced to accept what he terms as "onerous conditions" although he still feels confident of conning unsuspecting Scots to opt for "independence".
No sooner was the deal signed than details of secret clauses in the agreement began to leak out, the main suspect for the leaks being Mr. Malcolm Tucker, who is currently Mr. Cameron's special adviser on Scottish affairs. Needless to say, Mr. Tucker denied all knowledge of the leaks although he did admit a certain antipathy to Mr. Salmond, saying "that bawbag couldnae run a hogmanay party in a highland distillery".
Millions of suffering English voters will not be displeased by some of the conditions signed by Mr. Salmond, who has agreed that in the event of his Scottish Nationalist Party winning full independence a new Scottish passport will be issued. Strict visa and residence qualifications will mean that thousands of Scottish undesirables will find their right of abode in the rump United Kingdom promptly terminated, forcing them to be repatriated to what was once known as "Bonnie Scotland".
Prime Minister Cameron seemed pleased by the successful negotiations. Speaking to a room packed with the alcohol sodden Downing Street press corps he made a brief statement.
"Today's historic agreement means that the people of England will once and for all have the opportunity to remove a financial blight from their lives in the event of the Scottish population, being stupid...I mean brave enough to opt out of the United Kingdom. Mr. Salmond has agreed to strict trade controls being imposed which will mean that export restrictions will be put in place on Scotch whisky and beef, smoked salmon and haggis, for which I am sure you will all be grateful. This should have the effect of choking off, I'm sorry ...bolstering demand for these products in their home market."
"With the introduction of the new Scottish passport English voters will no longer have to put up with the annoying presence of the likes of Billy Connolly and 'Sir' Alex Ferguson for whom I will personally sign the deportation papers and as an Aston Villa supporter I will take great pleasure in so doing. I will also petition Her Majesty the Queen for the removal of Sir Alex's knighthood as he will no longer be a UK citizen."
Further words from Mr. Cameron were drowned out by cheers and a drunken rendition of Land of Hope and Glory.