Written by Simon Saunders
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Thursday, 4 October 2012

image for Little Divot Council Offices Vanish
Some scaffolding left behind after the theft

Police in the once sleepy village of Little Divot are investigating an outrageously bold piece of thieving.

At 9am this morning it was discovered that the local council offices, which also houses the mayors chambers, had disappeared.

Mayor of Little Divot, I.M Tetchy, was beside himself with disgust as he told us, "I've heard of property theft but this is ridiculous. Who steals a whole building? When I arrived for work this morning I went to put my key in the door to open up and that was when I noticed there was no door. On closer inspection I noticed that the building wasn't there either. It's like a massive practical joke that's gone too far."

The village has also seen a spate of bus shelter thefts in recent months and police believe it may be linked to the missing council offices. Inspector Steven Even explained, "We reckon that some local thieves are responsible for the bus shelter thefts and now this brazen nicking. That's what happens with small time crooks, they start off on the bottom rung of the criminality ladder and gradually move up a rung or two at a time. For all we know they may try and steal the whole village next."

Inspector Even added, "Not only has the building been stolen but the mayors antique saucy seaside tea towels were inside the building along with the night security man Clive Peddle. We have been unable to contact Mr Peddle as yet and we believe he is probably being held by the thieves."

Mr Peddle's wife, Barbara, was understandably upset with the news as she blubbed, "My poor Clive. The silly sod was probably having a kip when it happened. He's always nodding off. I imagine he'll be pretty annoyed as well because he'll miss tomorrows final karaoke at the local boozer."

Suddenly Mrs Peddle perked up as she added, "On the plus side, it'll give me a chance to try it on with the barman. He's been giving me the eye for weeks. That reminds me I'd better wash me best leggings. It wouldn't be the done thing to turn up at the pub with a whiffy gusset."

The missing antique saucy seaside tea towels has also caused distress. "I'm distraught," said a tearful Mayor Tetchy. "I would wipe my tears away with one of my antique tea towels but the bastards have stolen them. Rest assured, no expense will be spared in replacing them. I shall use council funds of course, but I know the good people of Little Divot will support me."

Local busybody and retired racist, Wally Spankerton, doesn't agree with the mayor, "He can bugger off," said the eloquent Mr Spankerton. "He went off to bleedin' Amsterdam on a so called fact finding mission last year. Cost a hundred grand that did and all he found out was that if you sleep with tarts in Amsterdam you'll get a dose of something nasty. The silly twat came back with crabs. Serves him right. We call him the 'Pimpmaster General' now. "

"It's rubbish," said Mayor Tetchy as he strutted off in his purple crushed velvet suit while swinging his cane jauntily.

Police have appealed for anyone who sees the building or is offered a building at a knock down price to contact them at Little Divot Police Station, Dog Shit Lane, Little Divot.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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