Written by queen mudder
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Wednesday, 3 October 2012

image for Woman's shock as Nick Clegg's missing USB turns up in bag of supermarket lollo rosso-stuff
Mayo on the memory card can play havoc of course

Scotland - "I nearly dropped dead from shock, hinny," Kirkcudbrightshire pensioner Mrs Gladys Post-Mortem [sic] commented as news of her purchase went viral, "it's shaken me right back to my own salad daze."

The retired Castle Douglas bacteriologist was talking to QM-NewsCorpse reporters after unwittingly acquiring Nick Clegg's missing laptop memory stick - one that's said to have been driving MI5 'bonkers' since 2008.

The gadget turned up in a 99p bag of fresh poncy salad at her local Insanesburys complete with a sachet of beige-colored goo, some Martian landscape-esque croutons and a little pouch of flimsy cheese-like flakes.

All topped off with the missing USB.

Thinking it might be some sort of supermarket healthy living promotion gizmo Mrs P-M plugged in the memory card and watched in fascinated horror at the ensuing drama.

"That's when I rang 999," the lady continued describing the 'hot potato' moment that left her gobsmacked as she watched a Clegg video-nasty about doing deals with 'f+++ing Tory toffs'.

Minutes later a posse of armor-plated Special Branch 4x4s was on her doorstep in a Sweeny-like swoop...

Twenty four hours later and Mrs Post-Mortem's a free woman after signing some official bits of paper in a windowless security centre room.

A 125gm bag of the special offer lollo rosso salad 'is part of your five-a-day' a supermarket source confirmed tonight.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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