Written by Simon Saunders
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Sunday, 30 September 2012

image for Little Divot Pub To Host World's First Silent Karaoke
This sort of aggressive "singing"or any sort of singing for that matter will not be tolerated anymore at the Bingow

The Bingowing Tavern in the sleepy village of Little Divot is about to embark on a ground breaking new idea that is sure to become the world's next biggest craze.

The idea for a silent karaoke was dreamed up by the Bingowing's lardy landlord, Steve Roundbelly.

After necking his pint of gin in record time, he told us, "I thought of the idea during one of our normal karaoke nights. I nearly shit a kidney at my brilliance. As per usual my ears had started to bleed after yet another terrible rendition of 'Hi Ho Silver Lining' when it came to me. I can't wait for it. My ears can't take much more of my punters awful warbling."

The patrons at the Bingowing will now have the chance to emulate stars such as Britney Spears and Madonna by not making a noise at all while "performing."

Roundbelly reckons his customers will love it.

After another pint of gin had disappeared down his wobbly neck and into his ulcer ridden stomach, he slurred, "Look, the locals round here are bloody awful singers. I put it down to inbreeding meself. They are easily conned. Bunch of chinless morons. They won't notice any difference between the usual noise making and the beautiful sound of silence. If miming is good enough for Britney and Madonna then it's good enough for the locals. Besides, it'll also save me a few quid now I don't have to hire the karaoke gear."

Local post office assistant and heavy drinker, Barbara Peddle, was asked what she thought of the idea. "I'm always too pissed to participate in the karaoke so it doesn't really matter to me. My husband Clive might not be best pleased though. He loves belting out 'Stand By Your Man' of a Friday night. It's quite ironic really. Normally when he's singing it I'm too pissed to stand up next to him!"

Rumours that Roundbelly was in talks with a brewery who have created the world's first invisible pint have been denied by the genial landlord.

He picked himself up out of the gutter to tell us, "Even the brain dead villagers won't fall for that one. Although," he said while scratching his chin in a thoughtful manner. "You never know, it might be worth a try."

We reckon the new favourite songs at the Bingowing Taverns silent karaoke may be such smash hits as Bjorks 'It's Oh So Quiet", The Tremeloes "Silence Is Golden" and Joe Dolce's timeless classic "Shaddap You Face."

If for some reason you want to attend the world's first silent karaoke, it will be held on the 12th of Never at the Bingowing Tavern, Sludge Lane, Little Divot.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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