Balmoral - A pesky phantom is being blamed for snatching the Queen's knickers during a performance of Mozart's Cosy Fanny Tutti this week.
The royal arse was left in the buff as HM sat through the 1790 three-act Opera Buffa at the Loch Ness Operatic Society's promenade ballroom on Thursday night.
It meant the Queen felt 'pretty exposed' as she went for a slash in the interval at the concert hall's unisex bogs where Philip got first wind of the bare-cheek ex-po-say.
"I say old gal," the Duke harrumphed, "what's this latest going commando lark, eh? Were you expecting, er, company, heheh?"
A nifty kick in the shins saw Queen Elizabeth put the boot in as flustered ladies-in-waiting offered their own unmentionables to discretely cover up the royal bum.
Courtiers later remarked that this must be the fifth or possibly sixth time this year the royal knicker phantom has struck - if you include this year's State Opening of Parliament vanishing trick, the Diamond Jubilee River Pageant, a State Dinner for President Mugabe, the Olympic Games Opening Ceremony and the Wimbledon Men's Tennis Finals.
The Duchess of Pratt's Bottom - to give Camilla her official title when holidaying in Scotland - will be 69 for the rest of the week. [Reuterus]