Written by Skoob1999
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Topics: Bacon

Saturday, 29 September 2012

image for Britons Braced For Bacon Shortage
"You Won't Get Bacon Off Me Either"

As if things aren't already bad enough in this septic isle, the devastating revelation that beleagured Britain faces an impending bacon shortage has left plucky Brits reeling.

Bacon, a staple ingredient in the 'Full English' and a much heralded butty favourite is all set to soar in price. And nobody seems to quite know why.

"They had loads of it in Asda earlier," commented housewife Tracy Smith. "I don't understand it. People were panic buying it, but as quick as they swiped it off the shelves, the Asda staff restocked them almost immediately. I don't know what to think."

Apparently, the recent inclement weather has resulted in mass pig culls, with futures traders predicting severe shortages next year.

"There'll be hardly any bacon on the shelves this time next year, or pork. Or sausages," cautioned futures trader Miles Platting. "And what supplies there are will be horrendously expensive. You can bet your house on that. My friend Dave told me down the wine bar."

"It's an outrage!" ranted German political analyst Jaeger Wynn. "I blame the Israelis. The maggots. Not content with bashing the Palestinians, now they've gone and bought up all the bloody bacon! Not that I'm all that bothered, being a vegetarian and that. I'm just praying that the shortages don't extend to quorn and mung beans. And that's my final word on the subject. You hear me? MY FINAL WORD!"

A forlorn figure at the Nottingham branch of Lidl's appeared to capture the mood perfectly.

"Dear me," said unemployed 62 year old Gerry Hitchcock. "Still, look on the bright side. They sell gruel here for fifty pee a litre, and they're still knocking out hearing aid batteries for a quid a pack down the pound shop."

Home Secretary, Theresa May, cautioned the public not to panic.

"They'll still have spam and chopped ham with pork in tins. I don't see what all the fuss is about. Let them eat caviar from Waitrose, or Horrids. It's much nicer, and a far more healthy option," she said.

More as we get it.*

*(Including a nod to Mr B)

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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