Written by Backandtotheleft
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Topics: Murder, Judges

Thursday, 20 September 2012

A man who was convicted of a brutal murder twenty-five years ago was released today and he has vowed to clear his name. Mr John Ripper believes a combination of his surname, his "haunting eyes" and his inability to pronounce his "Hs" had convinced people of his guilt. That and the ten eyewitnesses who saw him do it.

Mr Ripper has always maintained his innocence (despite being caught holding a bloody knife and the victims severed head) and tried to gain global attention in October when he took three prison guards hostage. He says he only did that to show how dangerous it is to be a prison guard and if he was a violent man he could have killed them all.

He believes that DNA testing that wasn't available at the time of his conviction will help to exonerate him and aid him in getting his life back. Mr Ripper said:

"I was very disappointed with the initial verdict because I totally didn't do it. Yes I remember the rambling confession I gave but I'd being drinking Mr Muscle that day so I can't be held responsible there. I am a innocent man who has severed head....I mean served time for a crime he didn't commit. How could I? Do you know how long it takes to saw through bone with a bread knife? It just wasn't practical."

Upon being asked why he was found with the head in his hands he had a surprising answer for us.

"I only picked the head up because I wanted to see what a human brain looked like. Nothing sinister in that."

Back and to the Left news believes that our justice system is the fairest in the world. Confessions aren't tortured out of criminals and although this may speed up the conviction process, it is the correct way to go about things. The judges will always let you know where you stand. So when you're standing over a headless corpse with a bloodied knife then you're probably also standing in the shit.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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