HRH Philip, the Duke of Edinburgh, is said to mortified after a Ghanaian newspaper published images of the 91 year old prince taken over 50 years ago during an official visit to the African nation.
The grainy black and white photographs purportedly show Philip smacking a small chimpanzee across the bottom, a punishment it is alleged was given to the ape after he incurred the displeasure of the Queen's consort by "not rollerskating the way Phil liked".
General Sir Benjamin Cocklesuck who at the time was the Prince's equerry recalls the incident and stated that the publication of the long thought destroyed photographs was "regrettable".
"I remember the day very well" said Cocklesuck "We had been hunting big game all day, shooting now endangered species just for the fun of it; and we returned to the chalet for tea and wanks at around six. One of the servants mentioned he owned a monkey who could roller skate; well Philip was a big fan, at that time, of roller skating primates so we paid the good man five shillings so the monkey would put on a show. Darn blighter refused and Philip, quite rightly, gave the lazy chimp a dam good thrashing over his knee."
Royal Marine Commandos, who were escorting Philip and Cocklesuck, were then ordered to round up any witnesses to the beating and confiscate any cameras or film detailing the incident and then to shoot all the witnesses.
Which they did.
"One must have got away" mused Cocklesuck "How unfortunate."
Buckingham Palace issued the following statement late this evening:
"HRH The Queen deeply regrets recent events involving her Grandchildren, Princess Kate and now her husband and will deny, vigorously, any future allegations, which may or may not be forthcoming emanating from New Zealand, that suggest candid photographs of herself "strumming" with her ladies-in-waiting, Sir Cliff Richard and several of his Shadows, exist nor have ever existed."