Written by IainB
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Monday, 17 September 2012

image for Children's Swimming lessons cancelled - due to fire risk.
Water, may be a flame retardent, but it's not going to put a fire out, is it?

Lessons in swimming for children up to the age of eleven have been cancelled in Dorking after a local fire safety marshal deemed the Dorking Leisure Centre swimming baths unsafe, and a fire hazard.

"It is impossible to get thirty children out of the pool, showered, changed into clothing and out at the fire point in the car-park in the requisite five minutes," said Herbert Nosbury, Fire Safety officer for Dorking and Dorking West. "As this is impossible, I have had no choice but to close the classes down. Additionally, there was far too much water in there, which forms a clear and present danger of drowning. Especially with children around."

Parents of children who had signed up for swimming lessons next month have all been informed of the decision.

"There's nothing we can do," said Leisure Centre owner, Dawn King. "It's safe enough for adults, as they are capable of getting out of the pool, showered and dressed inside five minutes. But it takes longer with kids."

King did point out that there has never been a fire at the leisure centre in it's fifteen years of operation, mainly due to all the water present in the pool. This held no sway with Nosbury.

"There's not enough for the kids to do in Dorking as it is," said King. "It's no wonder the kids are turning to delinquency and drugs."

Nodbury has solved the drug problem in Dorking.

"I closed all the drug dens," he said. "They were all fire hazards. Full of flammable materials and naked flames. They were an accident waiting to happen. Terrible."

Nosbury had previously deemed Poole harbour, in Dorset, a fire hazard, but this was out of his jurisdiction, and he was ignored.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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