London - (Associated Mess): In a robust defence of his inimicable leadership style a frantic Tony Blair lashed out at critics in Parliament today disputing widely accepted DNA police evidence that he is a direct descendant of war criminals hired by the Ancient American Order of the Skull 'N' Bones to whitewash cold war atrocities linked to the US hydrocarbons industry that financed the Nazi's gas chambers during World War II.
Asked to comment on allegations that he was recruited by the House of Mountbatten after the assasination of JFK in November 1963 to sanitise official archives relating to terrorist activities by Hitler's and Stalin's relatives, Blair denied that the numbered offshore bank accounts, the paper trail of money laundering transactions and the string of aliases used to finance his stellar career had anything to do with him reaching the top job in No10 Downing Street, and put his political sucess down to the sheer genius of his natural ability.
"I'm head of The Firm around here and have a firm idea of what needs to be done", he said.
"If you don't like it we can always go back to the days of the Tories when my mother-in-law ran the Mob. The choice is up to you."
Mr Blair is apprearing before the Commons Appeasement Select Committee that is meeting ahead of US President George Bush's official 60th birthday later this week - an event that is being commemorated in London by a lavish eve-of-7/7 party in Trafalgar Square hosted by Secretary for Vultures, Mediocrity and Sports Tessa Jowl in conjunction with that other Euro-Septic Tory mega-asset, Mayor of London Ken Livingstone.
Asked whether a single decision during his tenure of No 10 Downing Street had ever been put to a Cabinet vote, Blair replied: "In your dreams, chaps, only in your dreams.
"I've seen all the Spitting Image episodes and honed my leadership style accordingly. You wouldn't want it any other way, believe me."
As the Select Committee continued to grill Blair on whether the Queen hade ever given her Royal Assent to war with Iraq, the suspension of Habeas Corpus or the mass deception of Parliament, the Prime Monster began foaming at the mouth as a curious pretzel-like shape suddenly appeared on his upper pallid brow.
"I've always followed the rules and have been deeply inspired by the country's national anthem, particularly the verse that goes....'RULE Britiannia, Britannia waives the rules...Britons ever ever ever shall be fools'. So stick that up your hustings."
The Select Committee noted his remarks.
Later, in the privacy of the House of Commons Stranglers Bar, its security/intelligence co-ordinators confirmed that MI5 had recently infiltrated Blair's dental arrangements and would continue monitoring his every move via a secretly-implanted Sat-Nav microchip embedded in his molars - a device that had proved so effective in the consecutive removal of former Cabinet luminaries such as David Blunkett and Charles Clarke....