Written by dulcie gabbani
Print this
Topics: Paralytic

Wednesday, 12 September 2012

image for Paralytic Games Report. Day 6 and Closing Ceremony

Games Have Been A Staggering Success Says Mayor Of Glascow
The last day of the games saw more golds for Team GB, in events in which we have never excelled previously. A first ever gold in the 200 metres Donner Kebab Hurdles saw Tam McFee win in a time of 15min 12secs, which was only 4 seconds off the world record. The race favourite Shitsu Pattacakeman of Finland looked the pick of the field, as his trainers led him to the start. However, talk around the press box was that he had possibly over trained for the event, as he was having difficulty standing.

McFee got a good start and was the first to collect his kebab, and tucked into it, as he fell through the first hurdle. He was quickly back into his stagger, and finally failed to negotiate all of the next eight hurdles before crossing the line well clear of the lurching pack, and jubilantly waving the remains of his Mixed Donner with salad and hot sauce, to the cheering crowd.

The defending champion Pattacakeman failed to finish the race after he suddenly veered of the track at the final bend, and headed for the toilets at the back of the grandstand. Third placed Stroganoff of Hungary, was later disqualified after judges following the runners, discovered large amounts of discarded kebab between the first three hurdles, and a large puddle of vomit before the second last. They ruled that he had breached article 4c which states that "Runners must endeavour to eat all of the kebab during the duration of the event, and retain it internally until they pass the finishing line".

Team GB also struck gold in the rowing boat pairs, which was won by brothers Terry and Phil Arkwright from Droylsden in the most dramatic of circumstances. With just 50 metres to go they were well ahead of the second placed Russians and seemingly home and dry. Then the GB crew was seen to be slowing down dramatically as the Russians closed with every stroke. It was at this point people noticed that Phil Arkwright had fallen asleep in the front of the boat, leaving brother, Terry, to row the finish on his own, and cross the line inches in front of the second place boat.

Later that day saw the closing ceremony as hundreds of sober and bemused athletes paraded into the stadium, looking around and wondering what they were doing there. Music was provided by a very merry Billy Joel, who sang a selection of the greatest hits that he could remember the words too, followed by a selection of Glascow pub classics.

The burning litter bins which had symbolised the warmth of the Paralytic movement were ceremonially extinguished by thirty five urinating members of the Carling Appreciation Society of Auchtemucty. The Mayor of Glascow then presented a ceremonial 5 gallon bottle of Glenfiddich to the Mayor of Chelmsford, who will be hosting the games in 2016.

At 10-55pm exactly, a large bell was lowered into the arena, and was rung four times by the Mayor, whilst reciting the words of the Paralympic anthem " Can we have ya glasses now. Have ye nay fekkin homes to go tey".

And that was it. The end of one of the worlds most underrated sporting festivals was gone for another four years.

Games officials later said at the post games press conference that they were pleasantly surprised that the event had passed off without any fatalities, amongst the spectators. There were only twelve instances of people being wounded during the archery and shooting events, which was an all time low for the event.

Make dulcie gabbani's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

More by this writer

View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story

Related Stories...


Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!


What's 4 multiplied by 1?

3 24 7 4
41 readers are online right now!

Go to top

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more