London - "Yeah, life's a bitch...and then you dye," a former colorist/stylist/wigmaker to the royal Z-Lister said today as Kate Middleton's hairdo continued to upset the masses.
Almost ten kilos of extensions have been woven onto near-bald Kate's pate in a WAG-style barnet popular with proles.
The resulting lap dog tresses need constant grooming - much like William and Kate's cocker spaniel Lupo, another 'brain dead' royal mutt.
Coincidentally, William's favorite pet name for his new wife is said to be Poochy-Pooch, an endearment used by the Old Queen Mum when sweet-talking her long-time toyboy General Pinochet.
Kate in turn calls William 'Baldy' after a Beanie Baby stuffed eaglet given to the couple by, er, admirers.
This morning Kate and Wills were on parade in yet another taxpayer-funded austerity freebie on behalf of the Queen's Cubic Zirconia Jubilee.
Singapore crowds marvelled as notorious hair-flicker Kate pimped her tresses like an old-time pro.
Of course a carefully concealed lady-in-waiting was on standby to pick up the pieces as Kate's hair extension glue floundered in the searing heat.
The Earl and Countess of Bumcrack are both 69.