Written by Quentin Muffin
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Topics: Elvis Presley

Tuesday, 11 September 2012

image for Elvis Presley's Underpants don't get a sniff

Yesterday, Elvis Presley's Bible and a pair of his underpants went under the hammer at Sothebys. Unsurprisingly, the stained pair of undies failed to sell while the Bible sold for a staggering 50,000 pounds. The underpants are sealed in a glass case and the auctioneer explained this was to stop fans touching them. "In this case, the last person to touch cloth was the great man himself," he said. When asked why he thought that they had failed to sell, he said that the bidders may have been put off by the authenticity of the garment despite assurances that they were the genuine article. "They obviously thought there was something fishy about them," he said.

The pants were originally designed by Gillian Peasgood, the inventor of the Tena Lady brand of incontinence pads. She explained that Mr. P was meticulous about his looks on stage and did not want any ugly panty lines showing through his skin-tight jumpsuits. "In many ways he was my inspiration and the reason for my success," she said, as she wistfully looked towards the defunct rocker-roller's yellowed Y-fronts.

So what now for the unwanted briefs? "They'll be returned to the owner and most probably end up being donated to a Elvis Presley museum," sighed the auctioneer. When pressed on his thoughts he said, "It would seem that some articles are too intimate to be of interest to buyers. It's a pity really as we had John Lennon's nose-tweezers and Freddie Mercury's butt-plug lined up for auction".

In related news, Marks & Spencer have revealed that the first of their revolutionary line of underwear is now available from their stores. They claim that, due to their unique design, the underpants maintain a "stay clean" look and never need to be washed! We had a look for ourselves and questioned why there was only one colour scheme; the underpants are two-tone, yellow at the front and brown at the back. We asked if there were any plans to extend the colour options available. "Er ... No" was the spokespersons reply.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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