Written by Simon Saunders
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Thursday, 6 September 2012

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Have you been stabbed during a bungled burglary in your council flat? Silly you. You should've had all your money nicked.

Following literally some consultation the UK Home Office has decided to scrap the Single Non-Emergency Number (SNEN).

Introduced in 2006 by the last Labour government, the public, who are notoriously idiotic found it virtually impossible to decide whether to call 999 or 101.

The confusion meant many victims of crime gave up and didn't bother to notify cops as they dithered over which number to call. This led to a fall in reported crime and a rise in unreported crime, although how the Home Office knows the unreported crime figures is anyones guess.

According to Home Office figures around thirty-six stabbing victims bled to death while searching the internet for information about which number to call.

Tory Home Secretary Theresa May, IQ 42, has decided to scrap the 101 number and go back to the one number fits all method. That number, in case you've forgotten, is 999.

She also announced that a network of call centres will be opened in India to handle all 999 calls in future.

"It will help cut costs but will not compromise the British peoples safety." Said an unconvincing Mrs May. "As of October 2014 all 999 calls will be directed to newly opened, state of the art call centres in four Indian cities. Callers will be greeted by a recording of my voice followed by a list of options. Once your call is over a recording of former Crimewatch presenter Nick Ross' reassuring voice will be played advising you not to have nightmares."

We understand the options will be much like a normal call centre where you have to wait for hours until the option you want comes up, then you press the wrong button and have to go through all the options again.

It is believed that the government has already drawn up the options and the numbers to go with them.

Here are some examples;

You will have to press the number one on your telephone keypad if you've been hoodwinked out of all your cash by the head of Ponzi scheme. Press two if somebody has just nicked your car. Press 341 if you've been stabbed by a knife wielding, drug addled maniac.

As you can imagine, the list is a long one. Some critics reckon the options have not been thought through properly.

"It is likely that you will bleed to death by the time her irritating voice recording gets to number 341. Or you will have to call 999 several minutes before you are the victim of a crime," claimed Labour leader Ed Milliband. "Surely a stabbing should be about number three or four on the list," moaned Red Ed.

In response to the criticism Mrs May explained, "Our research has shown that victims of financial crimes are more likely to vote Tory therefore they are more important than victims of brutal assaults or stabbings on scummy council estates where nobody votes for us."

One thing is for sure, if you don't have a touch tone phone you may as well kill yourself.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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