Written by dulcie gabbani
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Tuesday, 4 September 2012

image for The Para Lytic Games - Day 3 Report

Drinks all round as Brits hit Gold (Labels) - Four days into the games, and as predicted, the big two teams of Russia and Great Britain are dominating the medal table with five golds each.

The shock of day two was the defeat of defending champion Hamish McGovern in the Oliver Reed 50 yard Front Door Stagger Trophy.

Hamish had led the field with a new record time of 25 min 32.06 sec, but was sensationally beaten by the Saudi Arabian drunkard who staggered to his door, inserted his key, and went inside, in a time of only 8 min 40 secs.

Officials were quick to act, as the winning time had beaten the previous record by almost 17 minutes. Later tests showed that the Saudi athlete was almost legally able to drive a car, when the games rules state that all contestants must be at least five times over the legal driving limit. After a short meeting officials disqualified the winner, and the Gold was given to McGovern.

In the cycling events, the 2 mile road race was abandoned after half a mile, when the leading Bulgarian rider took a wrong turning, and led the entire field the wrong way up a dual carriageway. After several riders were knocked off their bikes by the oncoming traffic, officials decided to curtail the event.

At the velodrome the Ladies 100 metre sprint was eventually won by the Polish rider, Irena Smirnoff in a time of 20 mins 35 secs, after all four riders failed to negotiate the banked bends and fell off into the infield.

Three riders managed, eventually, to remount and get as far as the next bend, before repeating the fiasco again, and it was Smirnoff who remounted first to wobble home for the gold, leaving her team mate Nadia Comatose asleep on the track.

Large crowds gathered at the Civic Hall for the Flatulence Competition, which saw Russian Boris Wringsting going for his third gold in the event. Officials had been hoping to stage the event outdoors, for obvious reasons, but due to the start of the football season both Ibrox and Parkhead were unavailable. Spectators were asked to wear suitable clothing for the event, and officials made sure all doors and windows were left open for the duration of the contest. In an exciting, and loud, competition the Brits were successful with Billy O'Docherty taking the gold with a blast of 77.08 decibels, beating the defending champion Wringsting, who took silver with a parp of 76.99 decibels. Antoine LePetomaine of France took the bronze, but was later disqualified after judges noticed that he had "followed through".

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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