The number of whales beaching themselves on the shores of the UK has increased dramatically in recent years. The incidents are thought to be genuine suicide attempts by the whales, who may be following the latest "emo" cultural trend.
Whale psychologist Wally Blubber explained that the large marine mammals follow complex cultural styles, just like humans. In the 1980s there was a large punk following among the whales. Soon after that goth whales begin to appear, and that style has itself evolved into the more intense "emo" whale phenomenon we see today.
Emo whales are characterised by heavy dark eyeliner, an interest in loud, mournful music, and a tendency to steer away from other whales. The whales may also attempt suicide, by blocking their blowholes, by drowning, or most often by beaching themselves.
Any person coming across a beached emo whale should immediately contact the coastguard, and play some cheerful music to try to coax them back to life. Whales are said to be fond of 70s music, particularly "Kung Fu Fighting" by Carl Douglas, or "Brown Girl in the Ring" by Boney M.
Whale music is not recommended, and neither is anything by Justin Beiber or any other song likely to drive humans to suicide.