London - (Associated Mess): A Ministry of Defence spokesman confirmed this morning that known relatives of Adolf Hitler and Joseph Stalin who have made stellar careers from impersonating members of the British royal family will be representing the UK at this weekend's 90th anniversary of the Battle of the Somme.
The move has been officially sanctioned by No 10 Downing Street which is keen to be seen to be playing down the significance of the historic event by sidelining the UK's Commander in Chief Tony Blair and his wife into a series of naff garden party fundraisers for discredited former Home Secretaries at the PM's official countryside residence Chequers this weekend.
This diversionary tactic has been welcomed by senior Tory Euro-Septic grandees who have had reason to consult their legal advisers recently following publication in the US press of details concerning the CIA's bugging of their offshore bank accounts since the heady Thatcher administration glory-days when Robert Maxwell RIP acted as their trusty rent-boy.
Meanwhile in the US the White House has confirmed that President Bush's personal commemoration of the event is to be marked by escorting Japanese Premier Koizumi this weekend around Neverland, the former home of Michael Jackson which is currently in hock to the Sony Music Corporation of Tokyo for unpaid mortgage arrears.
Mr Koizumi is said to be a big fan of Jackson and President Bush is well known among his fellow Bonesmen admirers to posses a full replica wardrobe of the singer's stage clothes, which he tends to enjoy most at weekends in the privacy of his Crawford boudoir when Mrs Bush is out visiting sick relatives of her husband.
The 90th anniversary commemorations are also being played down in the war-torn Middle East this weekend after Downing Street advisors hinted that the searing heat, the sewage-strewn trenches and the threats of permanent drought order impositions on whole swathes of Southern England voters might be causing enough of a stink for the PM's image consultants to deal with without adding to his dilemma.
Some press reports earlier this week had suggested that Mr and Mrs Blair had originally wanted to join Mr Bush and Mr Koizumi for the Never- Never-Land freebie but had been advised against it after officers from the Metropolitan Police's Rather Serious Crimes Directorate advised them regarding the nature of their own operation codenamed Neverland, which made other operations such as Landslide pale into insignificance in terms of importance.
Our US correspondents report that UK TV may be covering the Koizumi/Bush freebie visit this weekend as a mark of respect of the Bush Administration's good taste during times of conflict.