Written by IainB
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Wednesday, 29 August 2012

image for Essex Lion terrorises the Pendle Ikea
The wardrobe the witch hid in to escape from the lion.

The Lion that was originally spotted in Essex has made its way up the country to the Lancashire town of Pendle just in time for the Annual Coven Festival, which takes place every weekend in the town.

"We couldn't believe it," said Peter Bottomthwaite, "There was a ruddy great lion wandering down Pendle High Street."

According to Bottomthwaite, the lion scattered spectators of the Annual Coven Festival, and sent everybody heading for the local Ikea furniture store.

"It were pandemonium," said Brenda Eastwick, who has taken part in the Annual Coven Festival every weekend since it was started in 1973. "People running everywhere and this sodding great cat prowling and growling at us."

The three members of the Pendle Coven managed to seek shelter in the bedroom furniture department of Ikea, but the lion had followed them inside.

"We thought there was going to be carnage," said Kevin Trilbihatt, manager of the store. "Fortunately, all three women managed to hide in our range of extra large wardrobes."

"Sarah Mistletoe got in the wrong wardrobe," said Brenda. "She needed to have got into one with a pull out door. Lions don't have opposable thumbs you see. They can't open them. But the silly cow went into the sliding door wardrobe, that was easy for the lion to get into."

According to horrified onlookers, the oak-effect stand-alone wardrobe rocked as the lion chased Sarah around inside. Fortunately, the back fell off, and Sarah was able to escape.

"That were lucky," admitted Sarah later. "Fortunately, the lion was distracted by some kids, a bloke with goat legs and a Snow Queen."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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