The Queen, Prince Philip, and several other high ranking members of the Royal Family remain trapped in Buckingham Palace today after coming under attack by millions of fleas and mosquitoes in the early hours of this morning.
The bloodsucking pests attacked the Palace in massive swarms shortly after 2am this morning. Fortunately most members of Palace staff managed to flee the building to safety as soon as the pests arrived, but members of the Royal Family, sleeping in bedrooms higher up found themselves quickly trapped as more and more of the pests arrived. However, up to 30 members of royal staff remain unaccounted for including five teenaged royal maids. A Thai ladyboy is also missing.
Police have confirmed that a 999 emergency cell phone call to Scotland Yard was made from Prince Philip's mobile phone number at 2:36am but went unanswered due to reduced numbers of staff being available to answer calls over the Bank Holiday.
"Sadly, each time we've tried to call the number back there's been no reply," said a Scotland Yard spokesman this afternoon. "Possibly the Duke's cell phone battery just needs recharging, but it's not looking good."
As luck would have it quite a few other members of the Royal family were staying at the Palace over the August Bank Holiday, though sadly not all. Those there are known to have included Prince Charles with his second wife Camilla, Prince William with his first, Kate, also Prince Andrew with his two pretty daughters, and Prince Harry, who is believed to have been staying there for a few days with his new American photographer girlfriend, 'Honeylips'. They could all be hiding in wardrobes or cupboards and so not be in any immediate danger. But blood curdling screams have been heard coming from inside Buckingham Palace several times today.
The Prime Minister, currently on holiday in Cornwall, is being kept informed of the situation at the Sunnyshores Holiday Caravan Park just outside Torquay where he and his family are staying, but he will not be cutting short his holiday to return to the capital immediately.
"My mate Nick can deal with it for now," he said. Nevertheless, as a precautionary measure the PM has cancelled tonight's plans to have a large Cornish Pasty for his supper.
Speaking from the Sunnyshores Holiday Caravan Park this afternoon Mr Cameron said provided those trapped could manage to remain alive until after the Bank holiday then he'd probably be arranging some kind of rescue attempt to take place by around Thursday.
"I'll be back in London myself on Wednesday for the opening ceremony of that sports thingy," he said, "so there's not really any reason for why I should spoil my holiday by rushing back there now. Meanwhile I've asked to be kept informed of any new developments. Have any of you chaps seen a sweet shop near here. Samantha's given me a whole pound and she told me I could go and spend it all on sweets if I do so wish, but I rather fancy a big strawberry flavoured ice cream. Do you think Samantha will tell me off if I buy myself a big strawberry ice cream? Perhaps I'd better just buy some sweets because she didn't say that I could buy myself a big strawberry ice cream, and I don't want Samantha to tell me off because then she might not let me go to the beach tomorrow."