Draft plans for the funeral of Prince Philip have been found stuffed behind a toilet cistern in a gentlemen's toilet on Hampstead Heath. How the documents came to be there remains a mystery.
The documents were found by a local kebab shop owner, Georgios Panayiotou, who handed them to the police, after he had made several copies.
It is already known that Prince Philip has shunned a state funeral, as the Queen would have preferred, instead opting for a more private funeral at St Georges Chapel, Windsor, followed by his burial at Frogmore.
However, the documents reveal a very different plan in the event of Philip's death; one which would have Victoria & Albert turning in their mausoleum. According to the draft plan, the BBC will not cover the funeral, because it is not taking place in the north of England and does not adequately reflect the cultural smorgasbord that the UK is. Besides, the Outside Broadcast Unit only operates in the Greater Manchester area these days.
The plan also reveals that Buckingham Palace has been told by Downing Street that, due to the parlous state of the public purse, the event must be self-funding, if not turning in a profit. To this end, the government has already sold the TV rights to Channel Four. A Channel Four spokesman told us "We are very excited about this opportunity. It will be a first for us and we are putting together a team of presenters who will really do justice to such an occasion. So far, Julian Clary, George Galloway and Anthea Turner have been contracted. Russell Brand is still checking his availability".
It is understood that a modest funeral service will be held at a Greek Orthodox Church in Tooting, south London, followed by a firework display at the Wandsworth Crematorium.
A police spokesman told us "We are investigating how these documents came to be found in a bog on Hampstead Heath. We believe we may be looking for a gay man who engages in the practice known as 'cottaging'. The inquiry is expected to take some time, as we will need to interview almost all of the male staff working in the Royal Household, as well as one senior royal".