London - She's been quick to pack Philip off to the Hellfire Club's Final Daze Spa & Crematorium at the latest episode of chronic malingering according to Palace sources.
This weekend advertisements in the Autumn issues of The Oldie, Fox N Hound, Hustler, Rustler and Conspiracy Wingnutz News quote fifteen grand a year for the full-time appointment.
Payable in pre-1990 People's Socialist Republic of Germany Ostmarks the post includes 'perks' - such as sleeping in kennels next door to the royal bed chamber, food and booze plus a shiny new collar and lead for outdoor functions.
Applicants must bear a strong facial resemblance to the present incumbent 'apart from the colostomy bag' and other inconveniences of old age.
And agree to shave off all bodily hair ahead of a lice inspection prior to dunking in the Palace sheep dip.
"You'd think they'd be queuing up all the way to John O'Groats at this once in a lifetime chance," exasperated Palace comptroller Lord Luce-Cannon tweeted this afternoon.
"Not one bloody reply so far - apart from someone called 'Juilian Assange' who says he'll even bring his own leather leash and flea shampoo, heheh!"
Andrew Lloyd-Webber is a crafty old git.