A new sinister drug is sweeping the country, say government and police officials, and it is set to bring despair and misery to the population.
The drug has swept in to every facet of our society, from the rich and well-to-do areas of Kent, to the council estates of northern England. It's devastation has wreaked havoc on thousands of unsuspecting families, breaking up marriages and ruining lives nationwide.
The drug, simply called 'exercise', or 'The Post-Olympics Effect' to give it it's official name, hit the streets some weeks back when the UK hosted the four-yearly event in London.
Groups of 'normal', usually respectable people began shunning their usual routines of going to the pub and drinking beer, eating kebabs and generally vegetating in front of the television at home in favour of dressing in ill-fitting Lycra and running through the streets, cycling or even jogging!
As the Olympics took hold the grip it had on the nation increased, and even fat, lazy people began trotting along roads and pavements across the country, dressed in gaudy tracksuits, sometimes in full view of children and the elderly. Some even began eating lettuce.
The drug, believed to have been imported from Greece, has been criticised by many factions, not least of all the police, who have to try and stem the flow of 'fitness freaks' as the tabloids have nick-named them.
Police Chief Basher Harris told us 'it's a disgrace! These generally good natured citizens have been consumed by this nasty drug, and it has turned their minds to mush and their bodies to shrines of rippling muscle and well balanced diets. We must join as a nation and stamp this out. The humble restaurant, the good-natured pub and the unassuming burger van owner will be put out of business if this addiction is allowed to continue.'
A government advice line has been set up, and witnesses are urged to call in sightings when they occur. Containment squads will be deployed to detain perpetrators immediately and 'duff' them up a bit.
Have you seen someone running when they don't normally? Have you seen your lazy, fat neighbour eating a Riveta, or sneaking a rowing machine in to their house? Then call this number immediately, they're most likely on drugs... 01234 5678910