Following chaotic scenes at one of Surrey's most popular twitcheries, Daz Mower (19) was found hanging by a thread from the burst trousers of justice today. Earlier, Mower, of Lahndan, had been collared under the 1934 'Line of Sight' act which prohibits grown men sitting in open plan offices in such a way that they are perfectly positioned to watch rampant 'birds' flutter in and out of the bog, even if they're 'gagging for it'. He also pleaded guilty to the lesser crime of 'gawping and saying, hang on, hang on, looook at thaaahht' and asked for several other offences to be stuck in his large pipe and smoked.
Prosecuting, The Right Hon. Andy Townsend (37) spake: 'It's criminal to leave yourself exposed to the cross-ball like that', and he kind of mumbled off as somebody spoke over the top of him. Mower's solicitor declined to pass comment on the case, citing 'irreconcilable similarities' between himself and Mower. Indeed, shortly after the sentence was passed, the solicitor, Mr Ken Barbie (25) spat a large, but polite, polyp of bile at the defendant who looked like he might mash is bleedin' head in. Mr Mower will go down for 2 quid.
Commenting later at an expensive-looking but really nasty Chinese place, half way up an estuary, Mr Mover's 'business partner', a Mr Nevans (17) said that it was almost entirely the fault of the criminal justice system that old ladies approaching 32 or something can just wander into the toilets when you might be looking up from the Contessa catalogue. 'It's not right'. He said, adjusting the incline of his apparatus. 'Sometimes they're nearly 40. It's disgusting'. He soon left without paying the bill and jumped into a waiting Audi A4 1.8T, although it didn't have Xenon highlights, so it was a bit crap.
Mr Mower is currently on holiday in Sheppey.