Written by Patti Cake
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Topics: Animals, Zoo

Friday, 17 August 2012

image for An Elephantine Tale of Woe
John Fanta or John Hurt?????

It was reported recently that Schonbrunn Zoo in Vienna have artificially inseminated a pachyderm with frozen sperm from an African elephant.

Sadly, the world seems to have forgotten.....it was 20 years ago today Sgt. Pepper taught the band to play...no seriously....that an elephant living in Britain gave birth to the first artificially inseminated calf.

Mrs Nellie Fanta who originally came from Africa but was living in Brighton at the time was artificially inseminated with sperm taken from her husband 'Jumbo' Fanta after he died in a tragic shooting accident.

Mrs Fanta who had suffered quite a few fantom pregnancies before actually becoming pregnant was hounded mercilessly by the press once news of her miraculous confinement became known, so it was little wonder they were there to record the scene when whilst shopping in Mothercare Nellie's waters broke and several of the paparazzi were washed over Brighton pier and out to sea in a sluice of water and poo.

The next day the Brighton Herald trumpeted the headline: Dead Paps Full of Shit.

After this the world's press turned against Nellie and publicised the fact that she was related to Lulu Heffalump who appeared on the 1960s childrens' magazine programme Blue Peter. Whilst Lulu was attempting a dance routine her bladder burst and she nearly drowned presenters John Noakes and Val Singleton. Despite this the programme makers still awarded her a Blue Peter badge for trying!

Mrs. Fanta's luck didn't improve. She gave birth to a son whom she named John. Although Nellie and son were poor they were happy until junior started school where he was bullied mercilessly for his huge ears and curious grey leathery skin.

Nellie turned to the drink and John grew into an odd looking lonely teenager.

The years went by and the Fantas faded from the public's memory but after the startling news from Vienna the hunt is on again to find out what happened to them.

It has emerged that Nellie died of alcohol poisoning in 2005. At the inquest into her death the coroner said that recent research would indicate that her son's disabilities might have been caused by her being frightened by film images of John Hurt at the time of conception.

Of John his last known address was the London Hospital but it is known that John Hurt is heavily involved in a biopic of John Hurt - written by John Hurt and starring John Hurt and directed by yes, you've guessed it - John Hurt. He (John Hurt)believes that John Fanta might be ideal to star as John Hurt his younger self. So John, if you see this article - even though you might be hurting - please get in touch......Phew!

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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