Balmoral - "He's been short of breasts - er...breath! - ever since hearing that a 30-stone Belarus woman shot-putter's been stripped," a Castle footman claimed today.
"Then doctors found a curious lump developing on HRH's er, person, accompanied by sporadic twitching in the sporran region.
"Well blow me down if that's not something for scantily-clad nurses to deal with accordingly."
The comments come amid news that a cunning ploy to dodge Prime Monster David Cameron's annual visit to the royal Scottish pile has worked a treat for Prince Philip.
The nonagenarian has been packed off to Aberdeen's Royal Freak Hospital after Queen Elizabeth turned down the pleasure of personally nursing the old codger, citing the Duke's dodgy waterworks and tendency to spasm.
Consultant urologist Professor Einstein Flintstone, who is overseeing treatment, has reportedly removed a number of items that were accidentally 'left behind' in a previous procedure.
"Left behind, eh?" the medic chuckled when interviewed by QM-NewsCorpse stringers.
"Sounds damned suspiciously like a pair of pliers embedded in the royal right buttock.
"Wanna see 3-D snaps of the removal?"