Written by Gardener
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Topics: School, Government

Tuesday, 20 June 2006

image for Government Proposes Pupil Vetting Records
John Leslie

Contrary to what the ludicrously altruistic television commercials may have us believe - that teaching is a wonderful profession, practised in the company of dedicated, intellectually challenging young adults - school pupils are now being subject to vetting and identity checks as part of the overall enrolment process.

In what has been dubbed the "upside down cake of the school baking tray", the education secretary Ruth Kelly has bowed to teacher pressure to allow CRB checks on potential pupils, a practice hitherto confined to potential teachers themselves.

Kelly, 40 and apparently heterosexual, also bowed to teacher union pressure, when an Oftsted report commissioned in January concluded that "crime was far more rife in the playground than it was in the staff common room."

The finding was supported wholeheartedly by Chris Keates, the general secretary of the NASUWT teachers' union. "The mild alcoholism and petty sexual deviancy practiced by most teachers is by far overshadowed by the hardcore criminal activities engaged in by the pupils. Why should a teacher be hounded by the CRB brigade for his predilection for underage skin mags when little Johnny gets a pat on the head for stabbing the overweight kid that no-one likes?"

The new initiative comes at a time when teacher morale is at an all time low, where government bribes, otherwise known as "grants", are failing to persuade graduates out of their senses and to consider teaching as a career. Keats continues: "Subjecting children to CRB checks, excluding the worst offenders and therefore resigning them to a life of professional crime on the street (where it belongs) could restore teacher confidence".

Shadow Education Secretary David Willetts feigned enthusiasm briefly, claiming "you wouldn't get all this trouble if everyone went to private school."

Shami Chakrabarti, Director of Liberty, on the other hand was typically defiant. "Even children have a basic human right to resort to crime, and should not be unfairly punished if they choose this path. On the other hand, teachers have a basic human right to be protected from pupils in their charge. What I'm saying is that each of the basic human rights should not be mutually exclusive, or incompatible with the other - yeah?"

Capita, the company who runs the CRB checking process, was naturally ecstatic about the new proposal. "Performing CRB checks on children opens up the marketplace considerably. However, we will continue to push for CRB checks for animals also." Capita are said to be considering a "List 666" - those children unsuitable for working with adults, and a "List K-9", for dogs with child-mauling tendencies.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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