Written by IainB
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Wednesday, 13 March 2013

image for Isle of Wight News - A3054 to have the potholes filled
Smooth sailing over the wonder stuff

The Isle of Wight Council have announced plans to finally solve the problems with the A3054 Queens Road between Ryde and Newport.

"Since the bad winter of 1963," said Councillor David Pugh, "we've suffered with pot holes on this busy main road. We now believe that we can finally solve the problems once and for all."

The council have tried various ways of correcting the pothole nightmare, with varying degrees of success.

"For several years, until about 1996, we tried ignoring them," said Pugh. "This had a modicum of success. However, we noticed towards the end of 1989 the holes were getting larger, some almost six feet across."

Just before the millennium, the council tried a different tact.

"We then painted white circles around all the holes," said Pugh. "This was very successful for a few years, but the cost of white paint kept going up and up."

It was about 2007 when a junior clerk on the council had an amazing idea.

"We were having a meeting about the size of biscuits that we should have in meetings," said Pugh, "when Davy Clarke, the clerk, said he'd been thinking about the Queen's Road pothole problem. He came up with a completely out of the box solution: we should fill the holes."

This plan was immediately enacted.

"We used the mountain of surplus bubble wrap we had stored in Cowes," said Pugh. "It was amazing. The road had never been as smooth."

However, the council soon had further problems.

"We discovered that the passage of vehicles over the bubble wrap makes such a pleasing noise that people were driving along it for pleasure, even during bad weather when we told people not to make unnecessary journeys."

Eventually, all the bubbles had burst, and there was no more spare bubble wrap.

"However," said Pugh, triumphantly, "we have the perfect solution. We accidentally ordered a million tonnes of Blu-Tak instead of one packet. The head chef in the cafeteria said that Blu-Tak would be the perfect material for filling the holes."

A small trial has shown that there is an unexpected benefit.

"One of the problems we've had on the A3054 is that people have a tendency to drive too fast. Blu-Tak slows people down because it's slightly sticky!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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