Ascot, Berkshire - (Associated Mess): Preparations are well under way for the official opening of the rebuilt Royal Ascot racecourse next week when a battallion of the Royal Horse Guards is due to arrest and take into custody veteran Thatcherite Euro-Septics who systematically destroyed UK classified state documents relating to the criminal records of Cuban mafia hitmen now masquarading as holders of top public office around the world.
On the eve of this year's Summer Solstice and according to ancient prophetic lore, the ringleaders of a fetid cabal hired by descendants of Adolf Hitler, bankrolled by the Bush and Albritton families' Riggs Bank and sponsored by dodgy Islamic arms dealers
hell-bent on acquiring nuclear warheads from Ronnie Raygun, Margaret Thatcher and George Bush Senior administrations will face capital charges for subjecting the world to sixty years of tyrannical stupidity that culminated in the presidential election of a George W Bush doppelganger who slimed into the White House in the apocalyptical millennial year of 2000.
Such is the reading of the runes by NATO's superstition-busting counter-intelligence directorate, which over the years has deftly planted a crack-team of its own armageddon-trained Trojan horses to corrall the enemy target into a much-prophesied quagmire of its own making: "Blessed are the pacemakers until the day of the rightful come-uppance" is the beatitude mantra that has been the cornerstone of its post-9/11 policy.
In the run-up to next week's official unveiling of the rebuilt Royal Ascot racecourse, humbug levels have reached predictably stratospheric proportions as House of Mountbatten mercenaries paid public homage to the eightieth anniversary of the birth of King George the Sixth's eldest daughter Elizabeth who has been so successfully impersonated since September 1940 by a look-alike spawn of Adolf Hitler's loins.
Yesterday afternoon the Prime Monster Tony Blair paid tribute to this woman at the Lord Mayor of London's Mansion House birthday bash lunch by admitting his own neck had already been measured for tor the Tower of London's gibbet before her timely personal intervention in 1983 when he entered Parliament, ostensibly as a bona-fide fledgeling MP and not as her mafia hit-man nephew and head of the Provisional IRA Army Council:
"IOU", he told the adoring assembled audience that was grazing through a traditional Mountbatten lunchtime menu of humbug and stuffed crow. "You are the class act around which we all spin and if you ever cease that Stella Rimington orbit in these Isles we are all for it, Ma'am.
"And thank you on behalf of President George Bush for that diva-rated performance of his official state visit when we duped the public into thinking the Special Relationship between our countries is a civil arrangement between consenting adults.
"Long may you Raine over us and God Save US all."