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Monday, 6 August 2012

image for Lord Clegg slams House of Lords bastards
Half-bro Dave's another conspiracy-peddling arse

London - Deputy Prime Monster Nick Clegg has blamed 'bastards' in the Lords for failure to abolish the illegitimate and anachronistic House of Commons.

Speaking to reporters at a lunchtime briefing Lord Clegg described how he'd successfully infiltrated the Upper House.

"Frankly, it's all been a bit agent provocateur, if you ask me," Clegg hinted enigmatically, "all those ermine-lined knickers and velvet-trimmed cuffs.

"Still, knoblesse oblige as we say in Vladivostock!"

The massive climbdown comes amid months of national ridicule that parodied Clegg as a pathetic conspiracy-peddling arse.

Last December's clanger by David Cameron saw the feckless tosspot outed as yet another of the PM's brothers - all sons of Tony B Liar.

"It's not like we're brothers!" Cameron said at PMQs despite backbenchers' shouts of 'Bollocks!' and other ripostes.

The siblings have David Beckham and Andy Murray as their half-brothers - as well as 'Little Miss Muffet' Rebekah Brooks as one of their secret baby sisters.

"You can tell they're all siblings, like," a QM-NewsCorpse source said today, "they've all had radical surgery to remove horns that run in the Blair-Hitler genome."

Tonight Clegg remains holed up in his taxpayer-funded grace and favor bolthole as Tory backbenchers hail the massive climbdown.

The Duke of Chernobyl is 69.

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