Written by Quentin Muffin
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Monday, 6 August 2012

image for Margaret Thatcher wakes up with a Scottish Accent
Alex Salmond

Last month it was reported that Christopholous Theothopolous, aka George Michael, suffered a curious malady whereby he awoke from his pneumonic slumbers to find that he now spoke in a west country accent. Since then, we can tell you that the Hellenic crooner has now joined forces with Somerset's musical geniuses, The Wurzels, and we wait with bated breath for their first album "I am a ouzo bouzo" featuring a remake of his classic, "I've got a brand new Chocolate wispa. Ooh arr"

Hot on the heels of this revelation. It has come to our attention that Margaret Thatcher has suffered a similar phenomenon after a mild stroke during her sleep and awoke speaking in a Scottish accent. Social services arrived in the morning to deliver her breakfast and to empty her nappy as usual when the extraordinary change in Mrs Thatcher's speech became apparent. The shocked social worker told us that she presented the tray containing a full English to Mrs. T. who then knocked it across the room saying; "tek that sassenach shite away and get me a bowl o' porridge you wee southern softie."

"I was gob smacked," said the nurse "so I slapped her back and then she used the most awful language I have ever heard. I think it's called Scottish. I didn't hang around to be insulted like that and when I left the room I heard her say something about how it's her oil and it's all the fault of whinging, English, tory bawbags."

Social services said that they do not comment on individual cases but informed us that their menu now includes Scottish fayre consisting solely of deep fried mars bars, deep-fried pizza and a glass of warm lard. A small side salad is also offered as an optional extra and is for decoration purposes only, the spokesperson added.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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