London - (Associated Mess): The Archbishop of Canterbury Dr Rowan Williams preached before a capacity audience at St Paul's Cathedral today to commemorate the 80th birthday of Elizabeth Windsor and extolled her inhumanity at steadfastly refusing to do the decent thing and drop dead.
Praising her indefatigable faith and determination to cling on to promoting herself as the Rightful Monarch of the United Kingdom, Williams said she was a class act in the same category as other cold war dopplegangers such as the late Ronnie Raygun, the Queen Mother and the still
un-dead Margaret Thatcher.
"You give us all inspiration to continue the spin that the Tory/Labour wartime co-alition government started when King George VI, his wife and eldest daughter died in a Luftwaffe bombing raid on Buckingham Palace in September 1940, and which has lined our pockets and feathered our nests very nicely ever since, thanks so very much.
"Most of us have grown rich and famous beyong our wildest dreams as a result of your unparalleled thespian capabilities of resolutely acting out the part of the Rightful Monarch and making sure all your blood relatives from the Stalin and Hitler families continue to fill the top positions in public life all over the world.
"Without your starring role as head of the Medellin cocaine cartel for the last sixty six years we would never have managed to pay off security and intelligence services such as the KGB, Mossad, MI6, the CIA and other Spooks Anonymous around the globe into letting us continue the promotion of cherished ideals of our Third Reich founding fathers.
"Nor to promote our deepest-held values by making sure your hitmen nephews reached the very top of the political piles that were needed to wipe out over 100,000 civilian Iraqis in order to get at their oil and make us some much needed extra cash at the same time.
"We look forward with avid anticipation to your
another ten glorious years on the throne, by which time the Bushes, Blairs and Browns will have ransacked other valuable corners of the earth which have more oil than common sense, in the name of democracy, freedom and the continuing War on Terra.
"And speaking personally, I note that there is an immediate vacancy in the Ancient Royal Order of the Garter, with accompanying annual stipend and luxury condominium in the Bahamas.