Written by Dr Jon
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Sunday, 29 July 2012

image for Tear Up the Record Books! Olympic Levels of Crap Spouted in a Few Short Days!
Yes, as I was saying this morning to James Blunt at breakfast..hang on, did one of those boxers just knock the other one out?

It may be early days, but Britons are already toasting their heroes as it is proved, once again, that when it comes to spouting hour after hour of loud, interminable and annoying drivel, Britain is best.

"We've done it!", I was told by an excited Mike Gash, head of Olympic Media Strategy, 2012. "the head of the Olympic family himself stood in front of me last night and said 'Mr Mike, I ave bin ere only the tree dayz. An alredy I ave 'erd more sheet than I ever want to eer agin.'"

"And to think", says Gash, "Just last year I was writing adverts for Capital Radio."

The bollocks that has been flung at the nation has not just been plentiful, it has also been varied.

Even before 8 in the morning, Radio 5 listeners were being subjected to a brash and excitable discourse on the water pumping system of the Canoe slalom that manage to avoid being entertaining, informative or indeed, even tolerable.

This nicely teed up a day of god awful no-marks doing their best to ruin the sport they have been allocated to commentate on as a spectacle by wilfully failing to learn the rules, trying to spot celebrities in the crowd, yakking on about their boring day like a fourteen year old girl on the top deck of a bus on her mobile, and seemingly engaging in a clandestine competition to see who can say "Beckham" the most often.

One can then wind down with BBC 3 where genuinely you can watch some utter fuckend leaning over a balcony remarking on what passers by are doing. No, really, genuinely, you can, this bit is not satire.

There is no doubt in the experts minds how this phenomenal feat of fearless bullshitting has been made possible.

"It's satellite technology." says Dr Joan Smurp, lecturer in a Load of Old Cod at the University of Thurrock. "Without the plethora of radio and television channels our modern system can produce, we would have no air space for all this mindless pillocks to spout off in."

Indeed, we now have the opposite problem, some warn. There is a real danger, they say, that with so many shitty two bob television channels around, an actually shortage of mouthy halfwits would develop and silence might actually descend allowing some sport to be watched.

This is where the true, amateur, Olympic spirit has shown through to save the day.

Andy Fack is a consultant to many digital television channels. "There was a real danger, that even with their special training, we were going to burn out our most prized professional gobshites.", he tells me. "That's where we looked to volunteers, and my did they come through. Every time it looked like we might have a minutes peace we could instantly find some twat to say something inane at, down or into a camera and the moment had passed."

"They are heroes, every one."

However, just as every football team has it's Beckham, every swimming team it's Adlington, and every Cycling team some bloke in sideburns who needs a mate to help him up hills, one force stands out in the Olympic sport of just flapping your fucking gums without a sentient thought in your head.

"It's BBC Three, isn't it?" says Gash. "They are the business. The Crack Troops. My god, those boys and girls just will not lie down and die." "

"I can prove that, by the way, I have actually tried to kill them."

"More than once, in fact"

"When I put that team together." says Miranda Screech, head of BBC 3's Sports team but for some reason possessing qualifications only in street theatre, "I said 'Lovelies! Listen to me! To do this job, you have to have the right stuff."

"You must be pretty, you must be stupid, and you must be very very loud."

"Above all, you must never shut up. Even when the world is begging you, absolutely fucking begging you, you must never, ever, shut the fuck up.'"

"They did it," she says, wiping a tear from her eye, "god bless, they did it."

In less good news, Josh Hoobs, the American media commentator who set a new benchmark for spouting bullshit on Saturday was later disqualified for illegal use of cocaine, a known aid to producing inescapable twatspeak.

"We unreservedly condemn the use of cocaine in Television Presenting" said a BBC spokesperson.

"Except when they're doing Blue Peter, when it seems almost inevitable."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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