Local man, Martin Shuttlecock, a vertically challenged Scouser who pretends he's really from Salford because it sounds a bit more 'street' revealed today that he's looking forward to jetting off to Mediterranean hotspot, Barcelona, on Tuesday.
"I'm looking forward to it," he said as he opened another can of Belgium's finest. "We've been before, like, but this time I've let the wife take care of the arrangements. Usually it's me who does all that stuff, so I'm expecting this trip to be a serendipitous and luxurious event."
Pausing only to roll a cigarette, Shuttlecock revealed that he isn't at this point fully au fait with the arrangements, but that he has every confidence in long suffering wife, Anne, coming up with the goods.
"I'm not much cop at booking stuff," he said, as he searched for his pound shop lighter to spark up another roll-up. "One time we stayed in a hostal right on the Ramblas. It was cheap, and cheerful enough, spotlessly clean and all that - but it had shared toilet facilities, and you can't be rushing down the corridor to the bog, stark bollock naked, in the middle of the night, so I just pissed in the sink, and the wife pissed in a bucket. It wasn't ideal."
Further investigation revealed that on another excursion to the Catalan capital, Shuttlecock rented an apartment on the sixth floor in a building that didn't have a lift.
"I got round that problem," he explained. "Once I went out for the day, I stayed out. I can't be doing with running up six floors worth of stairs too often with me bad back and me dodgy knees. And by the time I did get back, I was usually so mullered that I could only crawl up the stairs. On me hands and knees. That was a pain in the arse."
An upbeat Shuttlecock also confided that Anne must have pulled all the stops out for this trip.
"She says we're flying from Southampton," he said. "So I'm assuming she's chartered a Lear jet, and that I'm going to get the VIP treatment. Sexy stewardesses serving champers and all that. Then she's probably hired a chauffeur driven limo to take us to that six star hotel down by Placa Espana - that one where Ronaldinho used to take all his 'girlfriends' when he played for Barca. I'm looking forward to being pampered and having beautiful people at my beck and call 24/7. I work bloody hard at the factory, so a bit of luxury won't go amiss."
Shuttlecock plans on taking a laptop with him and reporting back to internet site www.thespoof.co.uk on a daily basis - providing he isn't altogether too off his nut.
When Skoob News related Shuttlecock's statements to long suffering wife, Anne, she looked horrified.
"If he thinks all that, he's in for a rude awakening," she said.
More as we get it.
Probably in 'Martin Shuttlecock's Letters From Barcelona'
Providing the Wi-Fi works and the laptop doesn't get nicked by thieving Catalan lowlifes.