The Government draws up a standard mark for humans
The British government today unveiled outlines for a new "Stupid B@stard" Camp to be set up to re-educate all citizens that do not make the proposed standard as laid out in Parliamentary questions this afternoon.
There will be a nation-wide census sent out over the next couple of weeks, and those that abstain from completing it, or those who make the most palpable errors in the 'personal details' section will be called on first to attend a two-week "Fat(head) Camp". This, unfortunately, will create a shortage of workers in the most vital sections of society, and we must warn those who are to be called on in the second wave, we know who you are but you probably don't, to expect a slight delay when dealing with those critical tasks such as providing sustenance for your family (Expected 10 Min. additional waiting time. Source: MacDonalds), buying clothes (Despite an expected reduction of 50% of the sales force due to this levy, Market Traders are not deemed to be affected by this and therefore will still provide an invaluable outlet for the standard to which you're accustomed), and payment of wages (The Post Office have informed us that due in part to the levy, and expected volume of angry, pissed up layabouts, the Giro may now be anticipated a near half-week later resulting in panic buying stocks of Special Brew and the bulk changing of 50p's for "The Meter".
Upon arrival at the camp, the course attendees are given a sponge hat and a self-adhesive insignia which they must apply on to their foreheads; those who are unable to do this without tearing the decal, or worse, apply it whilst looking in the mirror so that the logo is actually stuck-on backwards, will forfeit all additional "Privileges" such as a choice of meals, bedding, and a window to look out of during the 22 hour a day "Reflection Period". This is intended to ensure that the dregs of society understand the full ramifications of their idiocy and how it affects society as a whole.
There will also be new and intensive "Reconditioning" sessions where they will have the opportunity to discover their natural calling, be it hole-digging, hole filling, or subterranean vertical excavation (mining). For those with less physical strength, there will also be "Sweatshop Training" where they will be skilled in the arts of making dodgy trainers for 5p an hour. Obviously because these people are illiterate, or cannot speak the Queen's, they will think that they are attending "Sweetshop Training", and duly follow like the sad little fleece-donned creatures that they are.
One further possible ruling to come out this week is with regard to the roads, and an anticipated 'You Crash, We Cash(in) TM' law which states that for each mile of queued vehicles after a crash, £1,000 will be taken from the value of the car by the insurers, and paid to the government. This ensures that the careless f*ckers take a bit more notice during the "make-up application" or "reading" time that the rest of us call commuting into work.