Written by James Watts
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Tuesday, 24 July 2012

image for Church of England Shocker: Vicar Admits He Is Descended From Penguins!
Defrocked? Yet not De-feathered

The Church of England was left reeling yesterday after a vicar admitted to his flock he was actually descended from penguins. The news has sent shock ways across the church and the Archbishop of Canterbury is said to be mortified.

Donald Crewston, vicar in the parish of Middlesom in Devon, made the shocking announcement on Sunday to his congregation at the church he administers, St Thomas the Apostle.

Horrified parishioners claim the news came as a surprise with some now questioning their faith.

Some are now boycotting the church with others claiming they may convert to Catholicism, Islam or maybe consider abandoning religion altogether.

According to Doris Faulkner, who has been attending Crewston's services for over twenty year's, claims that he readily admitted that his great great grandfather was actually quarter penguin and that as a consequence he could no longer preach that man was made wholly in the image of God.

"He just stood there and announced that he had penguin blood running through his veins and that he had been living a lie. He said he would understand if some of us would no longer wish to attend his services but promised us that he was still a Christian and believed that God would not judge him."

Today the church of St Thomas was swarmed with the world's press with television news crews from as far away as Japan, America and Tiverton camped outside the church waiting to grab an exclusive interview with the clergyman.

In a statement that was read by the church's verger Tim Picket, written by Crewston, the vicar admitted he was descended from penguins.

"I readily admit that I am part penguin. I know I have let the church down and maybe many people are surprised however the clues were there; my webbed feet, fondness for raw fish, the fact that I nestle an egg between my legs and my winter migrations to the South Pole."

Attribution: This submission is based on an article I read in 1987 in the Lympstone Gazette which detailed the story of Reverend Harold Squires who announced that he was part puffin. The news was originally broken with the headline "Church of England Shocker: Reverend Admits He is Descended From Puffins!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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