Written by Quentin Muffin
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Topics: London 2012

Friday, 20 July 2012

image for Stephen Hawking surprise selection for Team GB squad.
The Olympic Stadium

Stephen Hawking, world famous for his robotic voice*, has been selected for the Team GB Olympic squad. While this may come as a surprise to many it hasn't for the Professor who said "Why not? Sports psychologists are always saying that excellence in sport springs from the mind and I have one of the finest minds in the country." He went on to say that when he received the call from Lord Coe to represent his country he literally jumped at the chance and that he was no slouch in coming forward.

It was put to him that his unusual voice may be a disadvantage in the events but he dismissed this with a flicker of his eyelid and said that he had been advised against entering by his doctors but he was fed up of being pushed around. "I've been pushed around all my life," he said "it's time to stand on my own two feet."

There is much speculation as to what event Mr. Hawking will appear in, however. he told us that diving is a distinct possibility as it is just falling off the end of a plank into water. He has also had trial runs at several events and it has to be said that he didn't knock the pole off the high jump once, as he went under it every time. He also proved to be a first class dribbler when he appeared with the football squad. The Professor also hopes to give Chris Hoy a run for his money in the cycling event "two wheels good - four wheels better" he chuckled (or maybe it was just static). In any event, he said, speed is relative and when you know as much about time as I do then the lapse between first and last on an infinite scale isn't worth a bugger."

So it looks like we will have to wait for the event itself to see Mr. H perform, or will we? The charismatic Lord Coe may have let slip a clue when he gave us an update on the progress of the stadium saying, once the wheelchair access to the pole vault is done then it's complete.

*Stephen Hawking is also known for writing a book about summat or other.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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