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Thursday, 19 July 2012

image for Local Man Brands Home Secretary, Theresa May, As: "A Brain-Dead Muppet"
Estrella Damm On The Ramblas - Oh Yes!

Speaking from his 1960's retro-themed council tower block in Titchfield, Hants this evening, local man, Martin Shuttlecock angrily declared that in his opinion, Home Secretary, Theresa May, is "a brain-dead muppet" with no tangible grip on reality, and "a classic example of an idiot striving for genius."

Shuttlecock's outburst comes as the UK Border Agency threatens strike action on the eve of the Olympic opening ceremony, along with a raft of potentially disruptive strikes.

"The woman's a tool," Shuttlecock raged, as he cracked another can of Belgium's finest and sparked another roll-up. "I could have told you that from day one. It isn't so much that she's out of touch - she can't even see what it is that she's supposed to be touching. It's like watching a blind woman in a cake shop. I mean, we had riots last year, and she decided to cut the police numbers. The woman's a complete public school educated - and I use the word 'educated' lightly - buffoon. These union people have very real concerns, and the best she can do is to try to shame them by labelling them as 'unpatriotic'? Why doesn't she just TALK to them? Her and Boris Johnson would make an ideal couple. Two fucking halfwits together."

Shuttlecock's neighbours, however, related to reporters that there was a strong possibility that Shuttlecock was so vehement in his verbal upbraiding of the Home Secretary due to an underlying ulterior motive.

"Ulterior motive?" Shuttlecock responded when challenged with the new information. "Of course I've got an ulterior motive! I'm hoping to go to Barcelona in under two weeks and those lazy bastards at the passport office haven't sent the wife her new passport yet...and time is running out! We need to book flights and an apartment! It's about time that useless bint pulled her finger out of Boris Johnson's arse and got Anne's passport fucking sorted! I don't know about anybody else, but I'd much rather be sitting outside a cafe on Las Ramblas stuffing me face with Estrella Damm in the sunshine than watching some bunch of silly bastards running about and throwing things in a fucking monsoon. No matter how much they big it up."

Elderly neighbour, Mr Pinque confided in reporters:

"Im'll be aall roight. If them can't make it to Barcelona, they'll be goin' to a caravan park in Mablethorpe. Either that, or Butlins at Bognor. They got a roof on at Bognor now, so the rain won't be a problem. They got a Harry Ramsden's too - what does mushy peas with yer fish and chips. Dunno about Mablethorpe though - ain't been up there in donkey's years."

More as we get it.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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