Raymond Hedgehog, 45, was charged with common assault today after being appalled that his girlfriend, Emma McDormouse, had been reading the racy book. Derby magistrates court heard how the tiff over the best-selling novel ended up with him getting too excited and spilling over.
Prosecutor, Geoffrey Mole, said that the couple had been in a loving relationship for five days but that both still live with their parents. On the afternoon of June 15th Raymond went round to Emma's house to watch Countdown together in her bedroom. While there Ray was horrified to notice the book on her bedside cabinet. When he tackled her for reading pornography, she defended the book and said that he should read some. After reading a few extracts, Hedgehog stood up and sprayed sauce all over Emma.
Emma, giving evidence, said "It just came out of nowhere; I just sat on my bed open-mouthed as Ray sprayed his sauce all over me. It went everywhere; in my hair and my face. Some even hit the back of my throat!"
Hedgehogs defence counsel said the case was nothing more than a whitewash.
District Judge, J. R. Hartley, became animated on hearing Emma's evidence and was seen to play with his gavel. Passing sentence, he said that Hedgehogs actions had inevitably lead him to a sticky end and that he should pay his victim three pound sixty to get her duvet laundered and fifteen years imprisonment. The judge then left the court holding the book against the front of his trousers.
After sentencing, Hedgehog said that he had learned his lesson and will never read a book again. "I'll stick to splashing out on magazines from now on," he said as he was taken down.