It has been sensationally revealed tonight that Bob Diamond was never on the public records as having been infected with Alien Brain Beetles. He has also never appeared on the Tory Zombie Register.
Zombie watchers around the world have been so puzzled by this they are beginning to suspect that maybe he has been framed for creating banking anomalies that he never actually created.
Usually when a top Fat Cat Banker is revealed as having been associated with a banking irregularity, there is also a correlating Beetle/Zombie Tory Story. But despite extensive searches through top secret security records, no record has been found of any Zombie goings on.
Bob Diamond has never eaten a poor person with curry sauce. He has never danced at the shrine of Thatcher, and he has never gone peasant hunting with David Cameron and Gary Barlow from Take That.
He just seems to have been an ordinary banker who loved his job and wanted to make the world of finance a nicer place. The findings, or lack of them, go against everything we know about Bankers. It was previously thought that every single one of them was now infected with Alien Brain Beetles. But that now seems not to be the case.
Maybe the world is not as doomed as we thought it was. Or maybe the Tory Zombies have developed a new technique to help them avoid detection. Its a puzzle that will require years of study, and still may never be solved.
By Katarina Frogpond.