Pensioners are to be mean-tested to see how mean they really are when the going gets tough.
Many grumpy old men and women are already very mean, since they have been practising for years.
"My granddad is really, really mean," said 8-year-old Charlotte, one of his 10 grandchildren. "He's so mean he only gives us a birthday present once every 5 years. That's one between 10 of us - to share around."
Her elder sister Susan agreed about the mean present. "It's not very hygienic having to share a plastic comb."
When challenged about these accusations, Albert Titus Natsass (70) said "I've no idea what they mean. I don't mean any harm. They're always moaning. They ought to be moan-tested."
Political commentators reckon that cutting back pensioners' allowances and handouts will make them really mean. "It means that they will have even less money not to give to anybody."
Several high-ranking, but very mean, Old Etonians are hoping to win new cabinet posts in charge of Government non-spending, as a result of these mean tests.