No 10 Downing Street, London SW1- (Associated Mess): The Prime Monster's official spokesman reacted swiftly this morning following reports that Tony Blair and Pope Joseph Ratzinger had reached agreement on the exact timing of the Second Coming, scheduled in accordance with prophecies from the Bible's Book of Revelations as being next Tuesday, June 6th 2006: "ARMAGEDDINOUTTAHERE!"
An official Vatican statement had said earlier that, having cast out some very pesky demons from Mrs Blair in a traditional Pontifical Bell Book and Candle ceremony, His Holiness was now confident that the remaining prophetic "moderate voices" in her head would now help him and the PM to tackle extremism and reduce the risk of terrorism in the world: "the Lord being on our side and confidently scheduled to return next Tuesday according to ancient Biblical lore."
Outlining the agenda of other discussions held, a Pontifical spokesman said: "The Prime Monster and the Pope talked about the shortening odds on a total and utter whitewash in the current God's Banker murder trial in Rome that would absolve them along with Mrs Blair, President George Bush, Silvio Berlusconi and Tessa Jowl's dodgy lawyer husband David 'Dark Satanic' Mills of any involvement in the June 1982 killing of Roberto Calvi.
"One of the themes of discussion was how the moderate voices in the murder trial witness-box need to stand up for religious extremism in all its forms and finally prove that the collapse of the Vatican Bank was a natural phenomenon much like an earthquake or a tsunami.
"This was so depressing for the man dubbed God's Banker that he suicided himself under Blackfriars Bridge after transferring all the Vatican Bank's assets to Silvio Berlusconi's Colombian bank accounts. The rest is history."
UK religious press correspondents are still waiting for news on the Pope's travel plans next year: "The big question is whether, in the course of this meeting, Mr Blair officially invited the Pope for an official state visit to England.
"Although such a move is still seen as tantamount to opening the floodgates of hell, Mr Blair seems confident that after next Tuesday's expected miraculous events a Papal state visit will be inevitable to secure his fourth term in office."
Joseph Ratzinger is 69.