As the Olympics grow ever closer, it has been noticed that the current level of security is not enough. Regiments are being depleted, and what brave men we do have are fighting in Afghanistan, or Libya.
Boris Johnson has a solution, to call up a modern version of the Home Guard. So once again we could hear those immortal words, uttered by Boris…"Don't panic…don't panic…"
So we could see the updated versions of Mainwaring, Wilson, Jones, and Pike, patrolling our streets, in camouflaged butchers vans and emanating from them the classic words "…pull 2-3, up 2-3, out 2-3, bang 2-3…" and "...don't tell him Pike..."
When asked about who will be recruited, Boris said, "…they can come from all walks of life, as long as they are over 65 and have their own teeth, or in some cases, someone else's teeth"
Boris further explained, "...we want to show the world how we can come together as one. Age is of no importance, ask Prince Philip. We are looking for a certain type of person however. It would be nice if we could recruit those who really think they are, Mainwaring, Wilson, etc., etc. So we have put the World War 1 poster, "Your Country Needs YOU" in old people's homes and mental institutions around the country. The take up has been slow so far, but were hopeful of a great turnout"
Boris continued, "…to further entice recruits, we have asked Vivienne Westwood to design a uniform that would attract those more senior citizens, and so far she is doing a great job. The brief was quite simple, leather patches on the elbows and smelling of wet dog and piss. We are sure this will do the trick."