Written by Mark Lowton
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Monday, 10 November 2003

image for Prince Charles & His Butler - The Full Exclusive!
Where's my bally valet?

In an exclusive interview with ex-royal footman, Mr. George Smith, The Spoof has the full story on Prince Charles and what he got up to with his former butler Michael Fawcett.

"It's every butler's dream." Opened Mr. Smith, "Situations worthy of being put in a 'What The Butler Saw' machine rarely come to light during a servant's working career. But what I saw was definitely something most fitting for one of those machines, I can tell you!"

Mr. Smith told us he had been vacuuming in a corridor at St. James' Palace on the evening of the incident in question. All of a sudden he heard strange moaning coming from a room off this corridor. He describes this moaning as "posh" and "sounding thick". He presumes these moans came from the heir to the throne, HRH The Prince of Wales.

When he peeked through the door to the room from where the moans were coming, Mr. Smith said, "I saw Charles bent over a stool at the foot of a large four-poster bed wearing a kilt pulled over him. One of his most senior butlers, Michael Fawcett, or 'Leaky' as he's known amongst the royal servants, was stood over him, holding a jiffy cloth and a can of Mr. Sheen and was spraying this liberally over the cloth. On the floor I could see a length of hosepipe, various sponges and brushes, and two washing-up bowls, one containing soapy water and the other full of a mucky looking brown liquid.

"I then witnessed Mr. Fawcett rub the Mr. Sheen into the Prince's exposed bottom. After applying the polish, he then buffed his arse thoroughly with a pumice stone and rubbed it down liberally with a damp cloth.

"After this strange ritual was over, Charles stood up putting his kilt back down. He thanked Mr. Fawcett, saying 'no-one can valet my arse like you Leaky, not even Di could do it like you, you've got a gift, you're the best Valet a Prince could have!' he then kissed Mr. Fawcett and told him, 'remember, don't breathe a word of this to anyone, it's our little secret, eh Leaky'

"I then knocked over the vacuum's hose pipe, sending it clattering down onto the vacuum cleaner. So I scarpered. That's all I know, although I did hear a few muffled expletives come from the room."

The Spoof asked the Prince if he wished to comment on these recent revelations obtained by us. We were issued the following statement from Clarence House:

"The Prince is deeply saddened and angered by these allegations. He insists his ex-wife Diana was just as good as Mr. Fawcett at valeting his arse, suggestions that he said this are completely false. He is upset that his ex-wife's good name is constantly dragged through the mud by callous media organisations and wishes deeply that her soul can be laid to rest."

The prince's fate now lies in the balance. If these allegations are found to be true, it could cost him the right to be heir to the throne.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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