Written by Sidney Bollocks
Print this

Monday, 25 June 2012

image for Sociologists Ponder England's Exit From Euro 2012
A case of Early Exit Syndrome

Sociologists around Britain are studying the social and personal consequences of the English football team's premature departure from yet another major tournament. Many believe that the damage done to the very fabric of British domesticity is neither fully understood, nor treated seriously by health professionals.

Professor Lance Twat, Chair of the Faculty of Social Sciences at the Knob End Institute of Fair To Middling Education, told us "This is a serious business. Such is the level of overinflated expectation that England would win such a tournament, the resultant crushing disappointment is a major blow for those who invest emotionally in the whole thing."

Professor Twat went on to say, "A substantial proportion of the male population would have had a clear plan covering the period from 8th June to 1st July. This would have included a more or less complete withdrawal from household chores, an increased willingness to take sickies from work, a suspension of sexual relations with the wife and their level of communication with others regressing to prelingual grunts and groans. They will also have been very likely to have stocked up with sufficient meat pies and Stella Artois to sustain them for the entire tournament."

"Not only," Professor Twat went on, "have they had to endure watching some highly paid buffoon kick a ball wide of, or over, a practically open goal, but their plans have gone up in smoke before their very eyes. No longer can they continue to abstain from the washing up and other domestic chores, as they no longer have a vested interest in the outcome of the tournament. There is also the trauma of having to resume conversation with the wife at short notice. They have to surrender ownership of the TV remote control and, before they know it, their evening entertainment returns to wall to wall home renovation and talent shows. Collectively, these traumatic events have come to be known as Early Exit Syndrome"

Other experts have opined that the trauma of England's early exit is further compounded by seeing the Germans advance, yet again, towards another final. Whilst an evidence base has yet to be established, some psychologists have suggested that watching old newsreels of the 1966 World Cup Final and the German surrender on 8th May 1945, may go some way to alleviate the trauma which is felt."

Make Sidney Bollocks's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

More by this writer

View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story


Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!


What's 2 multiplied by 2?

8 14 4 7
32 readers are online right now!

Go to top

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more