The little town of Horley (near Dorking but prettier than Dorking) in Surrey has recently experienced an outbreak of VD according to the monthly medical magazine for hypochondriacs - 'You Name It - I've Got It'.
Dr. Brian Badcock at Horley Health Centre explained: "I saw a lot of these cases of VD (latin name: Valerus Doonicanus) 30 or 40 years ago then it died out but sadly recently it seems to have re-surfaced".
When pressed on how the disease presents itself Dr. Badcock said "It usually starts with the patient showing a penchant for wearing gaudily patterned jumpers or cardigans teamed with smart slacks with a reluctance to wear anything fashionable. In the latter stages of the disease the patient is confined to a rocking chair where they rock backwards and forwards all day singing songs about goats and donkeys".
How can you avoid catching it our reporter wanted to know.
"People of a certain age who decide to tidy out their lofts seem to be most at risk" Dr. Badcock continued "They catch it from tapes, old records and suchlike that have been hoarded for years. Charity shops (of which Horley has many)are likely places to harbour the infection and surprisingly people who watch old clips on YouTube are at risk as well".
One man in Horley who is not so down in the mouth about the outbreak is Mickey Grabbit who owns 'Off Yer Rocker'a shop in the High Street which makes bespoke rocking chairs and despite the recession has been doing a roaring trade.
"Its mostly youngsters coming in with their olds and when they see the chairs they go berserk - the old 'uns that is - not the youngsters" he said whilst lovingly stroking a piece of hardwood he was fashioning in his adjoining workshop.
*Patti would like it to be known that she is dedicating the above spoof to her husband Tim without whose dedication to his black and white jerkin circa 1980 the idea for this story would not have been born.