London - A daft Palace memo to all aspiring wannabes has set out protocol guidelines over who should curtsey to whom.
"I bow to no one," is how Queen Elizabeth put it last week while updating a new royal pecking order for her moron entourage.
Then last night a terrifying "Ah but my dear you'll very soon bow to ME!" dream about the Angel of Death saw Old Fatty Mountbatten wake up covered in a cold sweat.
"Blasted cheek of it," she told Prince Philip, "the Grim Reaper trying to rubbish an Immortal like me."
News of the nightmare spread quickly round the Palace where HM's delusional rants are regularly humored as 'harmless' senile gibberish of a psychotic despot.
But the new Rules of Engagement are writ large on the Palace walls where the top reprimand goes to Kate Middleton.
The greedy gold-digging daughter of Cherie Blair and a seedy Italian gangster has been ordered to scrape the ground in front of experienced House of Windsor fakes like Princess Anus, the doppelganger Princess Alexandra and Yorks princesses Beatrice and Eugenie.
"The fuck I will, Will!" is how Kate put it to her husband on receiving the new protocol instructions.
"Darling, if Queen Grandma says you have to go down on them then of course you must - and will," her husband replied despite an inner, private fury at the slight to his moll.
Odds for HM kicking the bucket 'early next week' have now been slashed to 2/1.