Written by queen mudder
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Wednesday, 20 June 2012

image for Oral sex ban at Druids' Tooting Bec Lido summer solstice esbat
Druids marching on Tooting Bec Lido this evening

London - Mayhem surrounds Druids' planned solstice festivities at the London lido made famous by Brad Pitt's boxing scene in the movie Snatch.

Refusal to use compulsory non-pagan issue rubbers from the onsite vending machines is causing schism among solstice elders.

It means a local elf-n-safety diktat about oral hygiene has effectively put the kybosh up traditional revelries starting with the annual solstice shagathon.

The ancient summer ritual is steeped in mystery involving myriad acts of sex magic ... and gallons of real ale.

Annual solstice revelries are invariably consummated at the Tooting Bec Common pool where thousands of skyclad neo-pagans have congregated this evening.

Chanting, dancing and astrologically-themed fireside tattoo exchanges usually kick off proceedings for participants who can't be arsed to schlep all the way down to Stonehenge for the pre-dawn fasting vigil.

The inevitable dawn dip in the pool's deep end in meant to take place at sunrise when the chlorinated water takes on mystic qualities that wash away spent bodily fluids and, er, other stuff.

With its alignment to other famous solar temples Tooting Bec is a popular locale for soaking up the spirit energies of Angkor Wat, the Great Pyramid of Giza, Syria's Krak Des Chevaliers, Paris' Notre Dame Cathedral and Ukraine's Donetsk Stadium.

The sun rises at 04.44BST on Thursday morning ahead of the year's longest day since last time around.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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