David Cameron announced to the House of Commons yesterday the Tories latest plan to ensure that it always pays to work. 'Too many people on benefits see it as a free lunch,' said the Prime Minister. As of Friday, Jobseeker's Allowance will be paid in value brand custard creams. The new system will ensure that unless the recipient finds work quickly they will soon suffer scurvy due to lack of fruit and vegetables.
The Prime Minister also claimed that 51% of people on Jobseeker's Allowance were currently on holiday in Majorca. When queried as to the legitimacy of these figures, Mr Cameron responded: 'Prove it.'
If the transition to Jobseeker's Allowance being paid in biscuits goes smoothly, then the government plans to extend the scheme to cover more benefits. Incapacity Benefit will be paid in Digestives, Working Families' Tax Credit will be paid in Rich Teas and claimants of Employment and Support Allowance will receive five handfuls of dead beetles.