Foul-mouthed celebrity chef Jock McShouty has had his ancestry investigated for a new series of TV show "Who do you think you are?".
Investigators took samples of his DNA and were able to trace his background. From comparison with other known DNA samples, the TV show was able to uniquely reveal to Mr McShouty that he is in fact a member of the species Homo Sapiens, of the male gender, and is most likely to have lived during the Holocene period (the period which spans the era from 12,000 years ago until today).
McShouty was elated at the news. "That's f***ing amazing! I cannot believe it," he said.
As he is a human being, it was predicted that his recent ancestors would also have been humans. Using ground-breaking technology, the TV series managed to actually identify his immediate forebears. McShouty said that he had always wondered who they would be, and was both surprised and delighted to find out that they were actually his mother and father - also from the human species.
Next week, soap actor Dennis Trumpet-Walrus is in for a shock when he finds that he shares 99% of his DNA with a bonobo. But then it is revealed that so do all humans, to the amusing relief of everyone.